Checkout Roulette

Today I went to the store for one item. One item that can only be found at the Super Wal-mart. When you make your way to the front of the store, you feel the race starting. You look over the competition and think, "I can get out of here in a hurry. I only have one item and I am paying cash." The checkout line shuffle is the most important aspect of finding the quickest way out of the store. You must analyze the items in your foe's cart and the number of people in each line. It turns out that I usually lose this game at Wal-Mart; I constantly underestimate the tediousness of other shoppers. Today was no exception. I was a royal loser in the speed lane out of the store. Let's recap.

I naturally gravitate to the self checkout line. The lines are short, I can swipe items myself, I have no produce, quick. So I have to say the concept of self checkout at the supermarket seems so good on paper but not the way real life works. I try to gauge the intelligence levels of those already in line. There are 4 lines.
Line 1: A middle-aged couple, the woman is hunched over the computer, the man is classic north-west Florida. Tan, shorts, monster truck T-shirt, beer company hat, mullet, and staring at me.
Line 2: A large woman and her screaming kid
Line 3: A family of 6 with way more than 20 items all gathered round the console trying to "help" each other run the machine.
Line 4: A woman in her mid-60s calmly moving her items from basket to bag.

Line 4, BINGO! As I walked up and a small line formed behind me I began to spy on the older woman. I took notice that the computer screen said, "Please wait for associate to assist you" and had said that for the last 4 items she had swiped. But she continued on her merry way, oblivious to the computer not doing anything. I stood behind her for this because it was still the shortest line and I assumed the Wal-Mart employee who watches over the self checkout would be along soon. After she tried to pay and continued tapping the credit card machine over and over like it would change our fate I looked up. There is a little red light blinking at the top of the machine to indicate the problem. I contemplate moving on to another line. I look at Line 1, red flashing light, still staring; Line 2, red flashing light, still crying; Line 3 green light, only through 5 of 69 items and still trying. Where is the Wal-mart employee? Don't know. I must abandon this line.

I go for the 10 items or less line with a cashier and after leap-frogging around I find the gem. One guy, items finished scanning, just paying and out. This is the racer's dream line. There is little to no time left in said transaction and the customer will be on his way. I step in line. Once again I fail. This guy is around 75, no teeth, and writing a check with a very unhelpful cashier. I don't fault him for writing a check, I mean come on, he's practically old enough to know the guys on our money; he doesn't want to get with the times anymore than I want to learn polka. This being said, he's probably written a few thousand checks and this probably isn't his first trip to Wal-Mart. Maybe the cashier was really slow but by the time he left all of my original lines had passed me by, leaving me with line choice remorse. After the guy with the check left, my cashier turned into a monument of efficiency. She scanned my item and took my cash in the amount of time it takes to say hello. Then with one hand she gave me my change and with the other she was already scanning the first of 17 cans of cat food the lady behind me was toting.

I'm not sure why I even bother with the self check at Wal-Mart; the whole point is speed but the lack of customer computer savvy and the fact that 3 of 5 purchases need an employee to validate your ID or something, has finally made it completely useless in my book. On a lighter note the self checkout at Winn-Dixie is fast, user friendly, and talks you through the process but doesn't make you wait until it's done talking for you to move on.